Walking a Little Closer

So recently Ladd and I have gotten into deep discussions about faith and church. After talking with my mom and uncle this past weekend, it really sparked a lot of questions. My mom and her brothers and sister grew up Catholic and my Grandma was devout in what she believed and was a true Catholic through and through. After discussing with my uncle about the church we went too and how Greyson is becoming more and more interested in all the Bible stories, it was said they never read the Bible thru nor did they know the Bible like they should. Growing up Catholic they were taught about the Bible but never taught FROM the Bible (does that make sense?), saying they don't EVER remember opening the Bible and reading from it. After our conversation I realized I have never read the WHOLE Bible either!

Well when Ladd got home from work late last night we started talking about different stuff and then it rolled into.. "How much do you love me?" After much discussion we both decided our love for one another could be stronger and majority of it is overflowing for our children. Then I brought up something our Pastor had said a few weeks back, "You should not love anything more than God." This sparked a WHOLE new conversation about the bible, faith, believing, and "proof".

I'm going to get real for a whole minute. So please hold all judgment and disbelief. Its taking a lot for me to put this out there for every one. Mainly wanting feedback and insight.

I remember when I was younger and attending the church down the street, someone had asked, if the Bible is real then where are the dinosaurs? They are obviously real, bc of fossils and the bones. "Proof?"

Ever since last year (yes the year from hell) I have had some serious doubts. I have tried to find answers by reading the Bible and devotionals and Bible studies but nothing is giving me what I want. After finally mustering up the courage to ask Ladd these questions last night all he could say was "You have to have faith Ashley. God doesn't give you things he knows you cant handle."  My biggest question (yes I'm putting it out there for the public/whole world wide web to see), my biggest question is: Why does God let bad things happen to good people? Last year for example. I don't consider myself a bad person, if anything I am a servant at heart and would do anything for a person in need.  So why did all that happen to me? What did I do to deserve those horrible circumstances!!?? Another question: Why is there hard core evidence of dinosaurs on earth but they were never mentioned in the Bible, but yet something as HUGE as the Ark WAS in the Bible but has never been found? Also: The Bible speaks of all these miracles, ie: Walking on water, turning water to wine, burning bushes, booming voice of God, parting the sea, healing, resurrection, protection in a lions den or whales stomach, etc., with all that's going on in the world today, why don't we see miracles just as prominent as these, today? If one was asked by God to sacrifice their first born to prove their devotion to God, 1.) We would go to prison, 2.) we would be thought of as insane, 3.) no body, I mean NO ONE would believe us if we said "God asked me too."

Yes the Bible is from the time that Jesus was here on earth so it makes sense those miracles happened then, but why not now? Why doesn't a booming voice come and tell us what to do? Or a bush bursts into flames, or the sick miraculously healed, or the blind can see, why is there so much HATE!!?? Which in turn causes doubt for so many!!??

So after discussing this for a while and with a lot of shoulder shrugging, Ladd and I decided to have a nightly Bible session, either over the phone or in person, we wanted to read through the whole Bible since neither of us had done it. So this morning we woke up and headed to the local Christian book store to find a few books to guide us on our journey.

One of the books we got is a year long devotional for couples. Its a daily guide through the Bible meant for couples and to help renew their love for one another as well as strengthen in God.

 

 

This one I got for myself. It has all the 'answers' to my crazy questions. I have already started reading it and it has said repeatedly, "It is normal to have doubts, especially if your mind is more scientific" Well it is. I am praying this will help me in pushing my doubts out and opening up for my Faith in God to renew and grow.  So tonight I sit here asking for prayers and guidance for Ladd and I as we start on this new path in life. I think it will be an amazing adventure!! Something we both need.

Most Annoying...

So I write/type this in complete... well.... I don't know how to describe it! I love those articles that bloggers write about moms and stay at home moms because they can put everything I want to say in just a short little post. But I think I agree with most moms who have more than one or two kids. The absolute MOST annoying thing someone could ever say to you is "Are those all your kids?" or "How many kids do you have??!" like I'm some freak show walking around with 3 kids. Or better yet.. "You are crazy for having that many kids." Growing up I thought a family of 5-6 was normal. I grew up with 2 brothers, mom and dad. My neighbors had 4 girls, mom and dad. So why wouldn't I think that a normal sized family WASNT normal? I can remember when each of those things were said to me. Some may blow it off and keep going, but when it comes to my children its hard to shake when someone thinks I'm crazy for having a family.

This afternoon, at the park just down the street form our home, someone made one of those comments to Ladd. Yes of course Ladd knew this person being in the small town he grew up, but none the less. In our "caravan" we had me with the stroller and Emma, Braelyn, Greyson and his friend, Chris (our neighbor), Ladd and Forrest. Sure we looked a little chaotic and full of energy, but the complete disbelief this lady expressed was baffling!! "How many kids do you have?!!" Still at this moment, hours later, I cant even comprehend, why?? What would she had done if I did say yes?! Can someone explain what is wrong with a "large" family? Which a family of 5 is NOT large to me. Its normal. COMPLETELY sane!!

I AM A STAY AT HOME MOM! Its my job to raise my children to be respectful, worthy, responsible, disciplined, hard working, God fearing, children who will grow up to be strong and independent. I want them to grow up to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. I want to teach them what I have learned from MY mistakes. Its in my job description to raise my children, nurture them, to help them grow healthy, to teach them. We are fortunate enough that Ladd's job provides us with what we need to live comfortably. Yes I could get a job so we can get all those materialistic things a lot quicker, but I would rather be at home with my kids than be driving a fancy car or live in a huge house I couldn't keep clean. I'm not saying if you are a working mother you are less for it, but what I am trying to say is, God has put this love in my heart, and put me on this path in life, that staying at home is my dream job. Yes someday my children will be grown and move out and when that day comes, I will be beside myself. I hope that moment will slow in time and it wont have any hurry to get here. It is our (more so me) choice to have more than one child. Yes Greyson was a happy, welcoming surprise to the both of us, and Braelyn was strategically planned, and well, sweet Emma was a "We will let God decide when we are ready". At that point we decided we wanted a third child but wasn't pushing it, and was going to let happen, happen. Sure enough, in the smack dab middle of the worst, most terrifying, depressing, horrific time of my life, our life, God blessed us with a miracle that saved me. God had a plan even though what I thought was the worst timing, was the in the long run, the best timing. Now my beautiful daughter is healthy and full of spirit that I can never describe.

With all this being said, yes, I am a mother of 3 children. Yes I would LOVE to have more. Yes you read that right. MORE. Not just one but hell who knows, two. I love my family. I love kids. I love being a mommy. I know economically its not smart to have a lot of kids, but if you waited to have money to have kids, then I wouldn't be here, or my siblings. Sure research shows it will cost me well over quarter of a million dollars to raise just one child. But you know what. That's a well spent $750k bc I wouldn't change it for the world!! In my heart I don't think God wanted me to stop at Braelyn, and I still don't think he wants me to stop at Emma bc the love I feel is unconditional and I have lots of it. To think Emma as my last child is heart breaking. 

So why do I still feel like I am in a glass box on show for everyone when Im out in public with my 3 kids. Why is it SOOOO crazy to have 3 kids?! My mom came from a family of 9! NINE! 9 , people! NINE!! Haha.. She wasn't loved more or less than her siblings. My grandmother was an amazing mother who made everything look so easy! Why was it so normal back in the 50-60s to have LARGE families and now 2 is too many!!?? I shouldn't have to explain myself but I am really disoriented by such absurd comments.  Im not crazy. I just want a happy, loving family.  **END RANT**

On side note here are my favorites from our photo shoot with my dear friend Blaire.

 

photos by Sweet Pea Photography by Blaire.

 

Look her up on Facebook if you're in the Cypress/Tomball/Spring area!!